Are You Feeling Lucky?

I used to feel lucky. Not in the 'winning things' sense of the word. I am pretty much on a losing streak there... as evidenced by having played UK lottery every week with the same numbers from when I was 16 to when I was 26 and won a tenner twice (back when that was the going rate for three balls) and 25 quid once (the new 3 ball going rate). Please, no one tell me what this has cost me over the years. Anyway, while I might not win stuff, until recently, I'd always felt somehow blessed.

I have been able to visit some super cool places in the world. I've got the most amazing family you can imagine. My friends, well, angels might be a stretch given the sins we've committed over the years, but they've certainly saved me on many an occasion. None of that has changed. But since life has slowed down a bit and become a whole lot less my own and decidedly thin on adventures of any non-imaginary kind, I've found my mindset has shifted.

I don't know when exactly it happened, but I don't feel lucky anymore - and I don't like it.

In fact, I'd go as far to say that it's gone way beyond 'not lucky' and is careering into 'doomed'. Which might seem rather dramatic, until I tell you about the kind of waking nightmares I have all day long:

Bette falling through the gap between the back steps' banister and smashing her head open on the patio floor...

Abe running out of the driveway into the road and ending up across the front of a bus...

Memphis falling prey to a cobra in the yard and finding him foaming at the mouth and on his last legs...

You know, that kind of thing. Despite the fact that Bette can't (quite) walk yet, there's never, in the entire decade I've lived here, been a bus come down my street and even if there were cobras in the yard, or er, the country, (which there are not) Memphis has proved himself more than capable of dealing with snakes. And possums and cats and magpies and anything else if he really, really has to, after a long stand off.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a degree of this mindset of fear comes with age and parenthood. But I wonder if I might be on a slippy slope beyond normal concerns and into full blown anxiety.

Since I don't have to leave the house all that often if I choose not to - and sometimes I don't - I can mask my mental fairly well. I can draw upon years of acting classes and a genuine love of social situations to push aside all the horrific (UK hospital drama) 'Casualty'-esq plot lines that my brain concocts when I do feel like going out. But they're still in there.

The little voice in my head that used to say 'wow, you're so lucky' and encouraged me to push on and achieve is now drowned out by a much louder, much more convincing one. It says all sorts of cruel things, but basically, they're along the lines of 'you're fucked and your luck's run out'.

In the past, I'd have told it to piss off and made my own luck. Now, I'm too exhausted to online grocery shop come 7pm, even though it means the hell that is Woolies with two kids the next day, let alone try and conquer the world; or even tell my inner bully to do one.

So, my fight is a little smaller these days. I've taken to wearing a bracelet engraved with 'She Believed She Could, So She Did', to working through my Declarations of You book which claims by the end I'll feel awesome again, and making myself put my hands in my pockets when Abe and Bette climb rocks or get on the bouncy castle with a hundred other kids. Because even though my inner bitch might have me convinced the world is out to get me, I won't pass that kind of mindset onto my kids.

And while these things haven't frightened her into submission yet, I'm certainly giving her the middle finger (from inside those pockets).

In fact, I think the Universe is starting to do the same too, because of late, that luck I'd been feeling had run out seems to be coming back a bit...

I finally saved the $60 for a dress I'd had my eye on and when I went back, not only was there just one in my size, but it had 20% off. After declaring I was homesick for the UK, within the course of a week Sean had managed to secure an observership in Macclesfield and the cheapest flights I've had back in the last 10 years, meaning I get an unexpected trip home guilt free. Then, at her last check up, the fluid in Bette's middle ears had cleared up finally, meaning no grommets required.

So while I might not feel 'lucky' just yet; I feel decidedly less 'doomed'. Which just goes to show, that maybe, just maybe, if we can shape our beliefs we can shape our world.

And on that note, I'm off to think about the Palazzo Versace and how lovely it'd be to go back. Say, next week...

#Money #Balance #Lifestyle #Belief #luck